New Year, New Chapter
“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients — care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.” -bell hooks
I must use this time as both closures for the past year and a new beginning for 2022. By simultaneously closing and starting fresh, I can start working on new projects and endeavors as I complete the current ones. And this matters to me because I wish to move forward within my ever-changing narrative as I grow into the person I want to become.
And yes, I know this is my running topic as of late. However, discussing my dreams, desires, and how I’ve been striving towards those parts of me feels right. Because if we can’t look into ourselves and ask, “Who am I, and what do I want to do” then we become lost within our narrative instead of owning it. That possibility alone can make someone bitter, and bitterness, as I have learned, can harm our self-image as it harms the people around us. So, let’s begin this year by reviewing ourselves in the past and seeking avenues of growth within ourselves on our path towards becoming loving and caring people.
First, I look back at 2021 as a year I went through many significant life changes. I graduated this past year with a degree in economics, the Latin honor of Magna Cum Laude, and a minor in English writing. It was amazing! However, I didn’t feel that I would make it to graduation; people from my background don’t do that. Not something that the son of a domestic worker and auto mechanic does.
Though, I kept my faith and remained patient with the current. I delved deep into my reserves, held steady with the rushing rapids of college education, and grew into my love and resilience. And because of my friends Alvaro, Tabish, and Isha, I felt the courage to challenge my negative self-talk and own my education for one last ride. And man, it was fulfilling to do so with the love and support of the people in my life.
However, I also had to close my chapter working as a Barista at Starbucks. It was tough; I felt so loved by the people I worked with, whom I hold dearly in my heart. Throughout the rest of my life, I will remain grateful for the friends that I made while serving lattes and cappuccinos. I learned many lessons about love through being trained by my friend and mentor Cameron and then passing on that wisdom and skill to my trainees. I felt that moment the reciprocal relationship between being both a student and mentor was implanted deep within my heart. That’s why I chose to volunteer a year of service with Americorps through City Year Chicago.
I will preface this; the ability to work within my community is a dream of mine. However, working with students can break your heart and give you hope. My experience serving has been traumatic for me as a volunteer, my team, and the students we served. And it isn’t easy to fully address our stories. So, I can only speak on my behalf.
There were many factors we couldn’t account for at the time. The underfunding structure of CPS, the lack of experienced professionals within the school, and all the traumas our students carried with them. These issues collided and created a toxically abusive atmosphere that more than likely traumatized our students. And it broke me down to my soul to know that whatever I could do and however I could do, it would not be enough to support my students in ways that I was neither trained nor qualified to give.
Though, it did not stop me from giving my time and energy to my students to help and support them the best I could. In that sense, I am grateful to have built those connections and strive to be as much of a positive male influence in their life as I could. Moreover, I am thankful to have met my friend and mentor, Angeline, and become great friends with Annie, Abby, and Elandra. The love and care we gave to each other resonate within me till today. Though most importantly, I am grateful to have hopefully left a lasting impact of love on whomever I met during my time there
And it brings me to a new chapter in my journey: serving at a new school with a new team. Fortunately, my students, teammates, and friends have supported me as I make my waves. This touch of grace and extension of compassion by Emerson, Zack, Kira, and Hallie has helped me piece myself back together as I heal from the trauma at my previous. With it came living lessons of love that I have learned from each team member. I felt the need also to strive to love as they have shown me. I hope to finish this service year strong as I begin to hone into my writing career, apply for new opportunities arising by the minute, and deepen my connection with my beloved all around. Most importantly, I can’t wait to cultivate these relationships with my students and leave them with a lasting impact on Paciencia y Fe as I move on my life journey.
Meditating on the topic of relationships, I’ve noticed that I haven’t always put in the work for them. Some days I let my mask of machismo dictate how I act within my friend groups, my family, and my romantic life. And it’s something that I’ve had to take time addressing; that I am not always going to get it right when it comes to love. Somedays, it just might not be my day. Yet, I still have to try to do my best to be the person I want to be. And little by little, or as I say poco a poco, I’m owning up to myself and doing the best that I can to do better.
And I know I make mistakes; I’m human and meant to be imperfect. That’s a beautiful thing because as I go through my struggles, I can always support someone else as they go through it too. I don’t think any of us can deny each other hope for love in an imperfect world. If anything, we should always seek to enhance each other’s lives however we can. Whether as a great friend, lover, family member, acquaintance, or stranger, we must trust others.
And yeah, it will hurt sometimes; nothing ever lasts forever. Some relationships may seem surefire, and others may fade away. Though, we shouldn’t ever use this as an excuse to deny ourselves connection. As I believe, our vulnerability is our superpower. I mean that wholeheartedly. It’s the truth that we must have faith in others and ourselves to know and share in love. And I’m not talking just romantically; this movement towards love must come from a place where we wish each other godspeed.
Thus, to allow ourselves to give space to others and speak how we mean, we then transform each other. This transformation occurs because we choose to recognize each other within the other. And that’s something beautiful I wish to share and cultivate even as it can devastate. However, I would choose to love and know heartbreak rather than never fully understanding love because life becomes much more meaningful when we view ourselves growing in love and then giving it unconditionally.
This journey is important because, as a man, I must grapple with being both an unknown enforcer of patriarchy and a victim of it. Because the people I love in my life need me to breathe and love myself so I can love them fully. This way, I can practice what M. Scott Peck calls love: “The will to extend one’s self to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” And that means to me committing myself to trust, care, show affection, recognition, and respect to every person I meet despite never knowing where we will go. In this sense, I feel that commitment whenever I wake up and walk out my door to wherever I go. Because what I want is to know and grow in love with every person I meet. Whether through my writing, working on a community project, or being with a loved one, I feel the need to dedicate my calloused soul towards making our world a better place.
That’s why I feel that the next move in my career and personal life is to become a writer while starting my master’s in Economic Development. My dream is to provide the necessary resources back to my community and cultivate programs dedicated to paving a path for our children to choose their destiny. That can be dedicating myself to revitalizing schools, opening a cafe called “Paciencia Con Cafe” for students to host poetry nights, and just giving my time to mentor someone in a craft they choose. As I move forward, I know my values of love, community, and healing will lead me towards wherever my heart and soul beckons. This dedication is my will to change, my passion. And I’m not afraid anymore to live it up; I’d instead give myself entirely to my craft than be someone that I am not.
Moving forward, y’all, I implore you to look within yourself and ask, “Who am I, and Whom do I want to become?” In my eyes, this is a root question that gets at who we are and what we value. And I can’t answer that question for you; this is your journey, and you gotta own it. Don’t be afraid to love and trust the people around you; not doing so will only cause us stress and regret. And all I can hope is that we can see within each other our potential. In doing so, we allow ourselves to be seen and see for who we are and who we can become. And that is a most beautiful thing.
I know as move into this year, my life long goal of becoming a better feels right. What that means to me constantly changes. I don’t know about you, but I feel that my passions, interests, and at times values all change as I grow into myself. It’s why I feel that we should always stay committed to something, whether it be a career path or project. This way we can see it through at end, and the begin again. Anyways, I hope you have a wonderful start to year, and stay true to what matters to you. Sending all my love and warmth to you, my dear friend.
