Why is it difficult to commit?
I know by the title of this post that I might be hinting at discussing “relationship stuff”. In some ways I am because often the discussions about commitment stem from people’s fears of it. However, in a much more broader sense we all struggle with commitment in some way, shape, or form. The word reeks of responsiblity talk.
Who in the right mind wants to introspect about their personal responsibility? That’s an uncomfortable conversation in its own right. I know for me that reflecting and accepting my responsiblity means being comfortable with my vulnerablity. I don’t like getting deep into the “why’s” about my life because it means dipping into myself to see who I am now, and who I am becoming via my actions, life decisions, and even things out of my control. Yet, to be a whole person living a fulfilling life, this is the type of personal work I know I gotta do to be better and do better each day.
So, why commitment? What makes it the topic of this blog post? Well, the cusp between where I am now and my dreams forced me to admit that I am not commited myself in way I should be. I block my own spiritual, emotional, and physical growth by avoiding my duty to do better. And truly, it frightens me because I don’t want to own myself like should.
So, I ask myself why? Why is it that I am ashamed of being commited? And the answers that comes from my gut is that I don’t feel like I am worthy of that type of loving. In many ways commitment and love run hand-in-hand. Thinking like bell hooks, it means seeing that we are constantly changing and healing as we grow as people. And yeah, it also means not becoming stuck in our self-pity and using what we did in past to justify our unwillingness to commit, heal, and love. Because it is easy to settle with the idea to think we are innately some type of person than it is see that we are constantly in flux.
Personally, this means to me that it’s unsustainable to think that I am some horrible person because what I’ve done in past, or that I am tainted as a man because my own trauma. To subscribe to that mentality truly means becoming stuck with idea I am incapable of loving and unworthy of receiving it. And gosh, that is such a harmful and lonely way to live. Lowkey, it be manifesting via denying compliments people give while refusing to dish them out too. We told to say thank you, and say what we mean even when the truth hurts.
Yet, people still be acting toxic. And it makes me wonder what it truly takes to make someone want to be disconnected from others? But when I reflect on my life, it truly means not seeing that there is something more to our life. That our present moments become passing moments in a blink of an eye. We love to fantasize in lives other than our own that we become like those dudes who peak at highschool. Shit, maybe even college if they are frat boys or something like that.
Anyways, that’s why when I piece my responsibility and commitment together, I realize that through writing I can reach to other people and touch their hearts with my heart. It’s my medium and my dream career that I can realize by actually doing it. Though, in a much more serious lense it means buiding community becoming the model I need my life, and showcasing my notes to self to others can do the same. And that’s dope!
That simple truth of life reminds me why I choose to be committed despite everything occurring in my life. Because that’s love, and how’s its gotta be in a beautifully imperfect world that has forgotten that its okay to make mistakes and still be loved. As people of the earth, our duty is loving others like how we love ourselves. Because when we choose to love, we remind ourselves our commitment to the personal and spiritual growth of each other. In doing so, we challenge ourselves to heal, and do better. This what I go in everyday when I mentor and tutor at the school serve at. This is my core value.
And maybe that’s why in romantic relationships, friendships, and work place dynamics that I forget that nothing is perfect. And that’s why its so beautiful because we can choose to subscribe towards bettering ourselves and growing instead of meandering through life like it don’t matter. Because at the end of it, we only get one life. Make the most of it, and be proud of the person you choose to become. Because in many ways we become shining beacons of love for others, and in turn they become it for us and other people too! C’est la vie, mon ami (I think I wrote that right lol).
This was intentionally messy and semi-editted. I am not a good writer yet, but I will grow my writing and editing skills by publishing. The more I write, edit, and publish, the better I will become because then other people will help me grow just as I can help them. Because writing, like life, is a journey. And the only way to fulfill it is to live it! That’s my intentionality, my mindset that I sometimes forget about, but lives and breathes in whatever I do. I hope you all push yourselves too. Anyways, have a great Sunday, and know that if you I ain’t feeling loved that I am loving you virtually, my friend. We outtie!
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